tough love & new discoveries

I watch the sun rise above the hills overlooking Seattle this morning, its rays casting a light onto the waking city, I can’t help but feel that indescribable essence of the dawning of a new day.

I leave Seattle today a different person from when I arrived two weeks ago. I’d come for love, a new one, seemingly brimming with great possibility. I was an explorer, ready to dive into a new adventure, and delve into the new undiscovered continents of my growing heart.

Without going into details, things changed in my absence. Our boy meets girl miracle of a love story takes a twist when boy meets another girl. The plot thickens. The heart coagulates.

And since then, I have been hard at work, trying to keep this rusty tin can of a heart open, to keep love flowing, to keep living in the light of love—which has been one of the true gifts of the connection between said boy and myself.

But the last two weeks has been fraught with struggle, I have been conflicted between my fears, my need for self-preservation, and my commitment to love completely and without condition.

Yet no experience is lost. Love, like water, is constant. It gets channeled into different pools or simply changes form. This has been the hardest thing to get my head wrapped around. That we live in a world of change is easy enough to understand. To accept it is another story altogether.

And while its been tough, I know that I’ve accomplished what I’d set out to do—albeit the ways in which I had hoped to do so and the end results have greatly strayed from my original intention. Challenges are opportunities also.

All this has given me the chance to explore the vastness of my own heart, it has tested my patience and understanding, it has appealed to my need to be compassionate to others and most especially to myself.

Though, I’ve been very sad and very hurt, though I’ve cried a lot, I’ve not been angry—maybe I will be one day, but so far I haven’t felt it. Not real anger anyway. And the absence of it confirms something for me, that when we fill our life with love and other higher frequency emotions, there’s less room for more inferior feelings.

And so what I have discovered is this: that within those deep recesses of my heart (our hearts!) is space and within that space there is more than chunks of land on which we accidentally get moored. Instead, there are whole planets, and planet systems, stars, and star clusters, galaxies glowing brightly, some existing on its last dying embers, and some brilliantly being born into existence. Like the universe, the heart is expanding, continuously growing beyond its limits—if you let it. I will it so, My heart center, the seat of my soul, my connection to the divine, is full of creative light, limitless, and infinite.