Monday, January 2, 2012
2012, giving love
Love, as usual, has been on my mind a lot. Maybe more so than usual. What with this crossroad between one year to the next, from one phase of life to another. So much is shifting within me personally. Lots and lots of changes.
Despite all the twists and turns of the last year, end of the year, start of the new year, love has been omnipresent. Mostly in abundance. But there have been times that it seemed absent, though I'm coming to recognize that it was there too, present in its absence.
When I was in Los Angeles early last fall, I attended a workshop at the Universal Shaiva Fellowship in Culver City. I remember one of the afternoons. We were listening to the late-yet-ever-present Swami Lakshmanjoo, who was talking about God Consciousness. At the time, I was in turmoil. My heart was breaking and it was taking a lot of strength to hide it--I thought, successfully. Before I left for the day, however, the beautiful Denise Hughes pulled me aside to say that God Consciousness is present at all times, even in the times of despair and chaos. With that, she gave me a hug and sent me off...crying--I was so moved by her magnanimity and the support that came just when I needed it.
I've been thinking a lot about that moment, of how love is like God--or rather, how Love is God. How it is in all things, all feelings, all actions. Some variation of it exists. We live in this world of duality and when we feel something quite the opposite of love, then love must be there too, somewhere.
This past year, I asked for love. And in 2011, love came in so many wonder-full ways. In my yoga practice and the community that supports it, in familial relations, in friendship, and in deep miraculous connections. I have felt so incredibly blessed, so very grateful to receive so much.
But I've also struggled with what seemed like the fickleness of love. I was baffled by its transitory nature. (In fact, I continue to be baffled by this.) How feelings can change like seasons. How affection and attention can be transferred from one object to another.
At these moments, I try to remind myself that it is not love that changes but people. Love, flexible and open, shifts according to our needs and wants. It is giving and nourishing. That love is like water, it responds to its environment, flowing one moment, solid another. Sometimes, it falls so generously on us, we are soaked with it. Other times, it just drizzles. Often, it it is difficult to grasp, but it's in the air, we just don't see it. Love may change forms but it also remains constant, it stays true to its nature.
As I struggle with change, I've been asking myself how do I stay in the constancy of love? How do I override the sensations of loss and fear and sadness as love transforms around me?
I cannot stop my loved ones from changing. I can't even stop myself. Change is inevitable. But I can at least try my very best to trust in the enduring steadiness of Love itself.
Like last year, I continue to invite love in; and I will be grateful to receive. But this year, 2012, I choose to give love, to be open and generous, to let love be true to its nature in my actions and in my words. Though it will be difficult, I will have faith in the love of others, but I will try not to be dependent on them. Though I expect there will be challenges, I will do my utmost to live in the constancy of the love that is in my heart.